I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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