Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
