It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
