I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My ass is underappreciated
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
