we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
