If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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