doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
