if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
