I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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