she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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