if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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