After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
