I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
