I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
