everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
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I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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