I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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