This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
