I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize