I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
