nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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