He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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