i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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