The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
