She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
