I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
