I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
