So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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