so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
