Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
