Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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