i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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