Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
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You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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