I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
