can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
