two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
