its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
