Your dad touched me again.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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