I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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