i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
