I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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