ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
