I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
