dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
