I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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