sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The maid of honor just puked.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
