He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
