You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
