if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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