first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
