i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
