Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
