That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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