Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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