I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Randomize
