Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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