I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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