oh god the rape fog is back!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
