Tell her she can't have a vagina
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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