He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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